Paying attention to intention

5/29/2022

A few months ago I was working with a client who has been going through a torrid time with an ex-partner, the parent of her children. The emotional ups and downs and court proceedings, coupled with financial uncertainty has been very stressful. The children are also upset and increasingly "playing" one parent off the other.

What I noticed though in my engagements with the client was that she benefitted from conversations about the future she wants for herself and for her children. Discussing her life plans, aspirations and hopes, somehow allowed her to imagine a life beyond the current troubles her and her children were experiencing.

I began to make sure that every session with her included a substantial focus on the future. On her intentions. These conversations seemed to have real-life consequences as slowly, she regained control over aspects of her life.

It's not that I actually did anything in this process. My client did the work. Really all we did do was deliberately, with care and in gentle conversation, pay attention to her intention.
She still has difficulties and still struggles co-parenting her children but somewhow things have changed for the better. She seems more in possession of her life now.

3 Comments

Steve

5/31/2022 06:16:13 pm

“pay attention to her intention.” This was the key phrase from Douglas latest blog in my view. Active, intentional listening is a key skill in interpersonal interactions. It’s a multifaceted skill that requires the engagement of the self and your own preparation. Being present is important. Present physically. Present intellectually. Present emotionally.

Some of the facets required to achieve being present are:
- Sound & up to date knowledge of the issues being spoken about.
- Being physically fit so that you can remain physically involved eg not wandering off in your own mind or having to constantly change posture.
- Being aware of of the other person’s emotional state.
- Being aware & able to contain your own emotional state.
- Having personal discipline to avoid wanting to jump and fix what you are hearing.
- Being able to maintain an open posture and facial expression.
- Allowing and encouraging the other person to explore the their emotions.
- Being able to use encouraging and supportive language accessible to the other person.

Knowledge of your self is a key aspect. As hinted at above knowing your emotional state is important. In the conversation am I becoming overwhelmed? If so recognising the start of this in order to contain it until your time with the other person has ended. From there knowing what to do to care for yourself.

Before a planned meeting a review of what you know about the person you are meeting can be helpful. Even if it’s the first time you have met and you have limited information. Ahead of the meeting giving yourself time. Time to calm, time to eat/drink, time to care for yourself so that you are available to the person you are meeting. If the meeting you are going into is one of a series asking yourself what happened for me previously so that you are prepared to interact beneficially for the other person.

Self awareness is key:

- Physically
- Intellectually
- Emotionally

With this awareness paying attention to their intention can be achieved.

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