A few months ago I was working with a client who has been going through a torrid time with an ex-partner, the parent of her children.  The emotional ups and downs and court proceedings, coupled with financial uncertainty has been very stressful.  The children are also upset and increasingly "playing" one parent off the other.

What I noticed though in my engagements with the client was that she benefitted from conversations about the future she wants for herself and for her children.  Discussing her life plans, aspirations and hopes, somehow allowed her to imagine a life beyond the current troubles her and her children were experiencing.

I began to make sure that every session with her included a substantial focus on the future.  On her intentions.  These conversations seemed to have real-life consequences as slowly, she regained control over aspects of her life.

It's not that I actually did anything in this process.  My client did the work.  Really all we did do was deliberately, with care and in gentle conversation, pay attention to her intention.
She still has difficulties and still struggles co-parenting her children but somewhow things have changed for the better.  She seems more in possession of her life now.

The other day, a colleague of mine in the legal profession asked me for advice about a client.  The client has been depressed for many years and has had many interventions from a variety of medical and social services professionals.  Her ongoing abuse of alcohol and various drugs, coupled with bouts of depression has led her to the brink of despair.  My colleague fears that this person, who is clearly in great pain, will commit suicide.

I listened attentively but could not work out what exactly my colleague wanted from me?  We talked about depression, trauma, the effects various drugs have and their interactions with alcohol.  We also shared how personal transformation ultimately requires the person to want to change.  

I also shared my concern that my colleague may be wanting to "rescue" the client.  We discussed the drama triangle and how toxic that relational game is to real  personal transformation.

As I walked away from this interaction, my sense is that nothing really had changed.  I wondered what use I had been? 
I guess sometimes simply accompanying colleagues and clients along their journeys without trying to rescue them is an important skill to practice.  

This stance of "witholding".  Of standing with. Of simply being with the other as Other can be difficult for those of us so accustomed to "helping".  We may in fact, be dignifying the autonomy of others when we allow them to live their own storied lives without our "help"? 
Obviously I am not suggesting we refuse to assist people in imminent danger to themsleves and others.  It just seems to me that sometimes caring less and standing back from rushing in to rescue others whilst nonetheless accompanying them as they live their own lives, is the best we can do?